SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
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wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight