I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
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I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places