Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts

the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever

[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”

AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.

Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.

[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne

Me, at front door: I’m going running

Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?

Me: It’s me!

Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP

Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution

Me: what do you mean?

Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.

“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200

Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.

Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]

Dog: You gonna eat that?

Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot

Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation

When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”

-guy who invented sports

[courtroom]

me: good morning, Judge McDonald

Judge: you will address the court properly

Me:

Judge: or be found in contempt

Me: Good morning, Your Ronald

Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*

me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?

son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn

[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”

*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee

“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”

*walks outside
*screams

Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.

Student: that’s impossible

Me: I assure you, it’s not

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.

Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?