I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
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it’s finally my moment to shine
Lmao
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in