Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
You Might Also Like
🤣
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Its true…