me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
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My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
#oldknees
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.