My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
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Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
My background check bounced.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…