[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
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WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..