So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
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just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Okey dokey.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
It was worth a shot 😂
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.