If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
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We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.