Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
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I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.