In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
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I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
This will never not be funny 😭
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”