Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
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Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another