Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
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Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
watergate? u mean a dam??
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.