kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
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[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me