Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
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My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy