I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
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Body by cheese-puffs.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
This is hilarious….
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.