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Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.