‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
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MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.