There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
You Might Also Like
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.