me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
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I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.