Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
You Might Also Like
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
I unironically love this joke.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff