A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
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[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Every photo I’m tagged in
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.