The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
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Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
If snakes were wide
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”