can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
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me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Goat cheese is for herders.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside