Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
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Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe