guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
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Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.