Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
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Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words