TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
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this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
No chill.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.