Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
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If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.