Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
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me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
My biological clock is wheezing.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
who called it hell and not heaven’t
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.