“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
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Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Same post same
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.