If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
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When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!