Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
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me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
work smarter, not harder
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
he’s doing your taxes
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life