If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
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Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.