got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
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Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”