“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
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Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
constantly working on myself.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable