When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
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Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Just this preview of the story is enough
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.