You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
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I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
ATMs should have breathalyzers
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want