“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
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In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
seems fine
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Seductively sings in Klingon.