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me
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meonstilts
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meandbatmanonstilts
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Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
NASA has no chill
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating