Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
You Might Also Like
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
mariah carrie
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii