Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
You Might Also Like
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Google reviews are always so mixed..
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.