Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
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Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
*praying for world peace*
God:
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Not all heroes wear capes…
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
(Musicians.)
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.