I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
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[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.