I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
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How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Battery falling down a hole
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Woke up against my better judgment again
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”