It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
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I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
What a year we’ve had this week.