[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
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I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.