Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
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We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
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M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings