“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
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What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out